Isn’t it so easy to see and say what everybody else is doing wrong?

We’ve all had our fair share of backseat drivers who are ever ready to tell us that we did it, said it, thought it, went about it all wrong…which we usually already knew.

Seemingly better (but not) are the ones who prefer to dole out obvious advice, also great at telling us what we already knew.

“Stop eating three cinnabons and a pound of bacon for breakfast and the triple with double cheese burger and bottomless french fries for lunch and you’ll lose weight.”

“Thanks, Auntie, I’ll keep that in mind,” she replies absently while ending the call and reaching into the pantry for that fresh box of gooey cinnabons.

Of course, just telling you what not to do would be incomplete…

…so a minute later Auntie follows up with a text: “Instead of those cinnabons today, you should measure out 6 almonds and six raisins with 2 oz of celery juice. So much better, isn’t it?!”

No, Auntie. It’s not. And, yes, it is bewildering to me but most well-meaning personal trainers still assign meal plans like this…with counts and cups and measures of boring food with teeny tiny portion sizes of indulgences (enters the 5 potato chip rule)…which no one who actually loves to eat can follow for very long…and certainly not for life.

MATTERS OF THE HEART

There’s a famous quote:

“I do wutta want.” —Esse Johnson

Okay it’s not famous nor is it novel. It’s just true.

In the long run, we’ll ultimately do what we crave. Real and lasting behavior change doesn’t begin with…well…behaviors. It begins with wants.

Can you can change what you ‘want’ so that you want better things?

Yes, you can! Yes, it’s a process. Yes, it takes time. More on that later. For now, tell me…

Does the “Auntie” scenario sound familiar? Crazy? Exaggerated?

Bottom line, it’s ineffective.

If you’ve struggled to eat better or lose excess weight, you probably already ‘know’ that potato chips, pizza, and ice cream are not the most helpful to achieving your end…

…and you may have even attempted to measure out six almonds and six raisins…only to eat them…wonder where they went…and finish with that bacon and those cinnabons (or something like that).

Sadly, I’ve seen the frustration on faces of countless doctors, personal trainers, and “Aunties” who fail 90% of the time using this approach because people do not take action based on what they know.

We act based on what we want, and what we feel.

There are studies and probably tons of Ted talks on this element of human behavior: we move with our hearts, not our heads.

That is why science, clinical studies, trendy diets, and Auntie-level food shaming have had little impact on the world’s actual eating habits (which we know because the obesity rate continues to rise despite our obsession with weight loss, diets, pills, etc).

Despite its failure, Auntie’s approach is what most people consider to be effective “accountability.”

ACCOUNTABILITY

In the church world, accountability is a big deal…and it’s a special pet peeve of my pastor-husband. Well…accountability is not his pet peeve. He’s peeved about a misguided and ineffective approach to accountability.

True accountability doesn’t make you feel exposed but empowered and encouraged.

To my amazing husband, and to me, accountability should never bring you down but lift you up. Acknowledging a problem is one thing…but accountability is not first about pointing out your failings, mistakes, and weaknesses.

Effective accountability is about highlighting:

• Personal strengths
• Unique giftings
• Past successes, and
• Your ability to succeed again.

Taking it a step deeper, accountability is not first about what you do…but who you are.

The role of your accountability partner, then, is primarily to hold you up to your highest standard based on your identity, your dreams and values, your gifts and callings.

Okay…but…Life Hack?

Why do I call this the most underestimated life hack ever?

Because when you have an awesome accountability partner — i.e. someone in your corner who knows you, loves you, and sees the treasure inside you — their timely reminder can have the power to lift you up and out even from total despair. This person should know you or else take the time to get to know you (the mark of an awesome coach) so that just when you thought you’d give up, we can remind you…

…who you are…
…that you’re not a quitter…
…that the last time you almost quit you stood up and forged ahead and killed that giant…
…and, gosh dang it, you’ll do it again.

I love this “life hack” because it requires very little strength from you. You temporarily lean on the “grace” (literally: “divine strength”) shared from someone else…someone who sees you in light…and casts vision for you by speaking the truth about who you are.

It doesn’t matter the challenge…you are strong enough to persevere and “be more than a conqueror” as the famous scripture goes. You just have to believe.

To Know yourself is to Believe in yourself

Few things are more powerful than knowing WHO you are, especially while creating massive changes.

For years you may have identified yourself with those habits…that lifestyle or appearance…but what you eat, or how much you exercise, or whether you’re ‘fat’ or ‘skinny’ or ‘fit’ do not define WHO you are. 

This is the opposite of the common approach to accountability which tends to focus on the management and prevention of unhealthy behaviors, but doing it this way can literally change the entire trajectory of someone’s life.

Figure the difference between these two:

Auntie: “Dude, you were doing so good all week. What happened today? You gotta stop overeating.”

Dude: Puts the phone on speaker. “Really? I didn’t know that…” he snorts reaching for some hot pockets.

Auntie: “Okay well don’t worry. Cut back a couple hundred calories today and tomorrow, and then get back to your meal plan on Thursday.”

It may be a while before Auntie sees Dude again, because if he doesn’t perform to her strict expectations…he’s likely to avoid her.

Your Awesome Nutrition Coach: “Dude, you did so good all last week AND through the weekend! I’m proud of you! Don’t stress about today. See it as new data! Examine what happened. What worked? What didn’t work? Here’s a worksheet to help jog your thoughts.”

Dude looks at the worksheet, his shoulders slumped and eyes foggy.

Coach: “Dude, you’re resourceful. You’re a highly successful business executive. You’re smart and determined and you always rise to the occasion. You’ll figure this out! Just keep it up and keep going.”

Almost before she’s done pep rallying, it hits him that the day of his binge…he’d worked a stressful 12 hours without any time for a break, a lunch, or even a snack. Finally after 8pm, tired, upset, and starving, he stopped at the local fast food spot on his way home, supersized everything, ate it all and finished with a pack of chocolate chip cookies from the cupboard.

Feverishly writing on the worksheet, Coach quietly exits the room and closes the door, leaving him to his powerful new discoveries.

What’s in a Hole?

One more thing…

In our scenarios, eating or not eating the hot pockets, the cinnabons, and the fast food honestly has little to do with “the hole” most people fall into while attempting to improve their lifestyle.

The “hole” is emotional.

It’s the place of despair…

…and despair is draining.

It kills motivation. It deadens strength.

(If you don’t think so, try doing a HIIT workoutor running a few miles with your thoughts on something sad or upsetting. Then turn your thoughts around to something inspiring and full of faith. Notice the difference?)

So-called accountability that does not empower, uplift, encourage, and ignite…is useless.

Accountability that washes shame down the drain, and that treats “setbacks” as information…is useful.

A friend who holds you accountable this way magnifies your strengths, hopes, dreams, and your ability to continue moving forward.

Pick a Partner

Who in your life comes to mind? Anyone? If you have a friend, a relative, a spouse, Trainer or Coach, talk to them about your goal to eat better and live healthier. Ideally, this is someone you see or communicate with often. Ask if they would support you in your journey.

Or hire me. I’d love to help empower you to live your best life in a body.

And no matter who you’ve decided to partner with, make sure you’re your own best accountability partner.

Watch what you tell yourself…about yourself.

If you need to, practice new thoughts concerning yourself that empower you.

One simple way to get started is to write a list of your personal victories, small and large…

…from the day you made a baby laugh…

…to the year you grew your first tomato plant…

…or when you got your GED.

Everyone’s different, but everyone has strengths, beauty, gifts, and the ability to succeed at living healthier, leaner, with a fresh and constant zest for life…

…ESPECIALLY YOU!